I loathe my son and my mother!

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I have a handsome, smart, hardworking and well behaved 11 year old son. H e is everything a mother would want in a child and I know I should be a proud mother but I’m not. See, my son is a rape child.

I got raped by my stepdad when I was just 19! My mum took his side and of course after calling me names such as ‘prostitute’ etc kicked me out of her house.

I’ve never been as miserable as I was at that time. I remember very clearly, after a bout of morning sickness, I found my mother waiting for me outside the bathroom, venom in her eyes and all demanding to know if I was pregnant and the man responsible for the pregnancy. I had tried talking to her earlier, just to confide in her and let her know what her husband had been doing to me in the middle of every night.

I don’t know what she was going through herself or what she was afraid of but she didn’t take my side.  Instead she called me names and accused me of seducing that ugly man of hers with the type of clothes I wear (Jeans and t-shirts seriously?)

When I got kicked out of home I had nowhere to go, so in my new unprepared for condition I had to fight for my life and seeked refuge at a friends house. A friend whose both folks are out of the country and just send her money for upkeep. I didn’t want to be a burden on her so I started looking for a job and got one as a cashier at a supermarket. A tough life it was because I had to work several hours a day at a job that didn’t pay well and in my condition. Abortion was out of the question as #1. I was too scared and #2. I didn’t have the money.

Fast forward to the baby who I’ve never allowed myself to have a bond with. I never breastfed him and I never did anything mothers do for their new born babies. No celebrating birthdays, no taking hundreds of photos, no treats  and definitely no hugs or kisses. In fact my friend named him and helped take care of him as I was too busy being battered and bruised by life.

My son knows that I don’t like him – he even tells his friends so –  therefore he  chooses to live his life. I know its not his fault that he was born but I guess in his short life he is wiser than his 11 years and knows not to interfere. I keep toying with the idea of sending him somewhere, like to a children’s home, because every time I see him I’m reminded of that man..creeping inside my room, lifting my duvet, touching me inappropriately and then forcing himself on me  all the while his firm hand tightly covering  my mouth lest I screamed out loud.

I know I should have put an end to that torture by maybe running away from home when it just started or when mum didn’t believe me and insulted me but I don’t know what I was thinking then. Maybe I was too scared of other things like not having a home at such a tender age.

I recently heard that the man suffered a stroke and is a vegetable on a wheelchair.  I guess that is his punishment. That is why I didn’t mention that I hate him. He is slowly being punished. My mother is there with him  taking care of  it (the vegetable) and a very sad woman she is. She once looked for me to apologize  (maybe because she heard that I’m now doing so well in life and wanted funds ) but I’m just not the forgiving type.

As for my son, I just don’t know what to do as I know clearly well that nothing is his fault. He is just an innocent boy. He does deserve some love but I refuse to give it to him and my husband is not allowed to love him either!

 

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  • Maggie

    As i read this am overwhelmed by sadness.Am so sorry about what u had to go thru and are stil going thruogh.No gal/woman should ever be a victim of rape.And as you keep walking thu the walks of life remember that everything happens for a reason.For once stop and think about ur beautiful baby boy who will be turning to a man real soon.What kind of a man would u want him to be despite the fact that u like him not?Let him not forever pay for what was done to u.Teach him to be a good man,a man who will not disrespect women like u was disrespected,a man who few years down the line will look over his shoulder and thank you for raising him so well.Maybe your future looked blurred but God had mercy on you and gave you a wonderful son.That son you loathe so much should and ought to be a perfect example of the breed of men we wanna have at this tym and age.Put yoself in his shoes by giving him the very best of everything.Teach him how to always respect pple and especially women.

    Finally,lemmie finish by saying this”When a Woman is,a Man becomes.”Stop him from becoming a creature of the night who will be creeping in womens rooms and attacking them silently.I pray for your strength,i pray for your healing,i pray for you to forgive all those involved and i pray for your courage.Dont let bitterness and anger eat u up and finish you.

  • S.N

    My heart sank when I read your story. No one should have to go through what you have, being abused by someone close and known to you, your mother not believing you, being left to fend for yourself. It’s tragic what happened to you. 

    I agree with what Maggie has said. I know it’s hard for you to love your son but he didn’t do anything wrong. Treating him the way you do, knowing he is not loved may easily turn him into a man who does things like the man who abused you. You are psychologically and emotionally wounding him.

    As a person who works in therapy, I think you need to find help for yourself to move away from the hatred. It could kill you slowly and deny you the chance to be happy. Don’t let an abuser have so much over your life now when you are free.

    For your son, get him help too. You can get him a counselor and if possible, get someone to mentor him, to walk with him to teach him the way of life before he self-destructs. That way, you will be caring for him indirectly.

    I hope you find a way of living your life past this. I empathize with your situation.

  • Mwangianthonykimani

    I shed rears when I read your story.It is very painful & no one deserves to go through the torment that you went through.Thanks to God that you never thought of suicide & neither did you abort the baby.As much as you might have suffered PLEASE don’t let your son go through the same pain.Raise him with all love so that he maybe there for you & be the reason for your smile.It is hard but, all is possible.Hope i can just meet the boy.

  • Barbara

    So sad… for both victims. Daughter and now Son. And the circle shall keep repeating itself, when the Son births a daughter in his mother’s image, he shall loath her. And so on and so forth. The circle of unexplainable hatred shall continue. Unless it stops now. How many victims will it claim…? God help you all. Very sorry for your circumstances.

    You have chosen to punish the Son for his Father’s sins, its why you don’t hate the Sinner because you hate his seed.Before severing all connection with this poor boy, please seek a Psychologist’s help to mend these fences.
    Please, don’t give up on him, one day it will be you calling him to seek forgiveness but it will be too late!Remember that cycle? It will keep repeating itself for generations.

  • Scotch

    A sad story it is. You have transfered your anger to an innocent life. He is and has been paying for the sins of someone else. You are happy that his father is receiving “punishment” but you forget that the cries of your child yearning for love from his mother will also turn to “punishment” on your side. Do not revenge let the one who gives life do the punishment. Your son may end up saying the same thing you are saying about your stepfather. Secondly have you thought of telling him the truth? He may understand your plight and you never know what he is set to become in future. Forgiveness may be the first step towards healing.

  • Kat

    May be i am harsh and being inconsiderate by saying this but can u stop being selfish and think about your son. Imagine a 11 year old who knows his mother hates him and he has no dad or grandparents. Your step dad did a monstrous thing but wat you are doing is just ugly. U r bringing up a man who will have so many issues with women and who knows how he will cope with them… You should have looked for nice parents to adopt him instead of you holding on to him. I do not condone abortion but you saying Abortion was out of the question as #1. I was too scared and #2. I didn’t have the money just goes to show how you were just thinking about yourself instead of the poor child you were carrying. As a mother i am sad for you but you should have had the courage to do what is right otherwise u r no better than your own mother who didnt show u love when you needed it.

  • Fkathambana

    Your story is touching as its moving. I feel your pain. Firstly
    don’t blame yourself for what happened, rape is the cruelest crime that can
    ever be perpetrated to a woman. And that you did not fight or run or stop it in
    any way is also a natural reaction by many women. In psychology we call it
    freezing.

    Persons who have been traumatized tend to avoid things,
    persons or situations that remind them of the trauma. Hence your emotional
    distance from your son. Unfortunately, I am sure this is not the only way you
    are reacting; there are other numerous situations where you are running away
    from intimacy and connection, there are other addictive and disruptive behaviours
    that may not be “normal” and that affect your life and the lives of those around
    you. You probably explode with extremely anger at small things and find that
    you are afraid of many things. Your relationship with your God may be none existent.

    The saddest part of your story is the defeat that you express;
    you have given in to your rapist. He now controls you. He controls how you
    live, how you love, how you work, relate, even how you relate to your god. Even
    in his “vegetative state” he continues to control you. And when he dies he will
    continue to control you from his grave. He will continue to control you and
    your life if you don’t do something about it now.

    The first step in getting back control of your life is
    seeking a specialist to help you deal with the trauma. Secondly it is to
    forgive. Forgiveness is not about accepting what happened to you, or forgetting,
    it’s about letting go of the rapist and taking back control of your life. If you
    still feel that you need referrals please write to me at [email protected]
     

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