Are your naked photos online?

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This year has been an interesting one for Kenyans on twitter. Apart from the extra photos from Muliro garden, there were photos of this poor girl from a local private university and a video (read porn) clip from yet another local university, this time public.

Now I could yell from my high horse saying how wrong it was for whoever put those photos online to do it, but I’m a little more honest with myself than that. I’m guilty of retweeting and having a good laugh at how gullible people are when it comes to technology; and how funny/stupid some of those sex positions were.

I have a quick confession to make. Several years ago I happened to lend my camera to a certain lady who later returned it damaged. Well, the camera was irrecoverable but the memory card wasn’t. The contents taught me one important thing: there are more nudies out there than we might have previously imagined. To cover up the loose end in my confession I’ll state that her photos never made it online and her dignity is intact all these years later. What about the photos? Deleted and the memory card wiped and put through such thorough data shredding nothing could ever be recovered( unless the cyborg from terminator is given a side mission as it waits for Sarah to pop up somewhere, though if it had been given that mission then I’d know by now). And I WAS pissed at her for breaking my camera, among other things! See how good I am? Yeah, you can worship me later.R

The only foolproof way of protecting yourself is making sure such photos don’t exist in the first place. Sex in public/risky places is thrilling and probably has no match in the adrenalin seeking area – unless it’s possible to have sex while parachuting, which still adds up to public sex anyway- but this is the 21st century and big brother is everywhere. I can bet just about every other person on the street has a phone with a working camera, this means chances of getting away with a quick shag without getting photographed are pretty slim.

Here is how to decrease your chances of negative online presence (read- having your nudies leaked online):

a) Listen out for any unnatural sound; hell, listen out for any natural sound or any sound at all that is out of place. I know, it’s hard to focus with blood rushing through your ears while the rest of the blood has been redirected from the brain, but it’s really important if you are in unfamiliar territory.
It is common knowledge that all locations have their “native” sounds, so if you’re getting all hot and heavy and you hear a sharp click, STOP! Then search the area and make sure you cover the windows in your search. The natural sound I mentioned earlier is to cover for those cameras that make chirping sounds. Maybe, also check for extremely glossy surfaces on a fixed substrate.

b) Since most people can’t afford a faraday field, make sure no piece of technology is switched on! Look at that toaster as an enemy; unplug it. If you have a laptop make sure the battery is out on the other side of the room and for extra security the lid is firmly shut. In the case of a desktop computer make sure all the cables are on the table and the tips are visible. As for the phones, you know how to take out the battery, don’t you?
I guess all this hustle will take out a lot of your horniness, but ask yourself “which is easier, getting your leaked naked photos off the internet or engaging in a couple extra minutes of foreplay to make up for watered lust?” Yes my friends, make paranoia your best friend, not everybody has my –since I’m modest to a fault- ability to use delete.
As a side note: sometime back this guy showed me a pen and watch that had spy cameras fitted within. I saw the photos, but couldn’t tell where the shutter was located except guess using the angle of the shot to determine the region where it could be. See why paranoia is ok?
If despite all this you still choose to record yourself or sit for photos, remember you are the only person you can trust, and even then, can you trust yourself that well? Many a time I’ve been in a cyber café and, while saving my stuff, seen photos that have made me shake my head. Are they that surprised when they find themselves as trending topics?
More unsolicited advice:

c) Always work from your drive directly from your memory card/flash if you are on a public computer. If you seek assistance, then the only time you should break eye contact with the screen and storage device is when you blink, never mind the mind control required to multitask that. If you blink for exceedingly long periods of time, then you can’t be helped; see a doctor or take coffee for that.

d) Make ctr+shift+delete your best friend. On any browser this action will bring up the browser dialog for clearing all your browsing data. This means if you are one of those people who store data in the draft section then you won’t accidentally leave your email account logged in. If it gives you a message along the lines of “You need administrative permission to do that”, then raise hell. You can never be too safe.

e) Pray. Whatever your religion, turn to the deity and say “Please cover for me if I screwed up!” I know I do.

Have a porn free day

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Ben M

“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?” - Alice (Lewis Carroll)

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