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A letter to my Nigerian brothers

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Dear Nigerian brodas,

I know you love fufu but ugali is better. Tell me why else you drool over our ‘Queen of Assets’ Vera Sidika yet your land is supposed to be the land of voluptuous African women. Call me a Kenyan who has had enough.  Tell me why you love Kenyan ladies so much yet the female numbers in your already populous country are quite high. Is it because Nigerian ladies are difficult to co-exist with? The endless ;mschews’and visits to the Jujuman terrify you. It’s tough living with a woman who might poison you any time. I get it.

Honestly, I have no problem with you dating our Kenyan sisters, but don’t act like you have power over them ooh. The other day in church, I sat next to one of you who happened to be high. I go, “how you be high in church?” He said, “I’m high so as to get closer to the Most High”

Since I never mince my words, let me tell you a few facts about yourselves and your country that you probably don’t know because of your ego.

Nigeria is not the best country in Africa, not even close

Come and take back your movies. We Kenyan men would rather watch 12 years A Slave, 12 times a day than watch a single Nigerian movie. Your movies have brainwashed our sisters for over a decade now and we’ve had to bear with the boring job of repairing that damage. If your film industry is so great, why is Africa’s top actress a Kenyan? Maybe if your movies stopped centering on the same old clichés, they’d receive worldwide recognition. Most recently, Forbes ranked Nairobi the 3rd best city to live in Africa, behind only Cape Town and Accra. So tell me what the Lagos and Abuja hype is all about?

afrocinema nigeria

Marriage is not a joke

It has been proven that you Nigerian men always have an agenda in marriage. Reports claim that most Nigerians who come to Kenya looking to settle down are already married in their country. You use the institution as a means to a particular end. A Nigerian man that finally made the harsh decision to leave his homeland to migrate to a foreign nation without legal travel and resident permits does anything beyond his comfort to remain in that foreign nation because he knows that home is not the best for him. Therefore, he doesn’t mind marrying a foreign lady he may not truly love or like just to secure a resident permit. Kindly quit playing with our sisters. Try Museveni’s land.

Your English is not so cool

It annoys me how every Nigerian guy thinks he’s funny just because he speaks Pidgin English. Since when did Pidgin English become comedy? Sit down and watch Churchill Show or something.  Not everyone has a sense of humor. I have a Nigerian neighbor who’s always trying to tell me a geek joke whenever we bump into each other on my way to the shop but none of the stuff he ever says is funny. I wonder when he’ll go back to his motherland. Kenyans speak the most fluent English in Africa. South African’s click, Ugandans need proper lessons and Ghanaians are just like you guys. That leaves just us.

You are mean and controversial

You Nigerian men are self-centered. When you are not sneaking in and out of countries, you are busy being players and drama kings. Mostly when a Nigerian man pops in Kenya; in the news, in the club or in the streets, it’s either about one controversy or the other. I was at a bank the other, where a Nigerian man wrestled a security guard. The Nigerian insisted on not following the queue and the security guard couldn’t let him have his way. So they wrestled and the Nigerian guy was later on beaten then arrested by other guards who came to assist their own.

Stop the madness my brodas, stop it. If you choose to stay in Kenya, shape up or ship out!

Sincerely,

Kenyan man

 

Written by Philip Etemesi

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